archive: i'm gonna get knifed on the subway

A memory from February 21, 2007:

Exhibit A - The Crazies Gravitate Towards Me:

Tonight I had to wait on the subway platform for about 20 minutes before the train came.  Standing next to me was a girl  who was the same height as me, had the same coloring as me, and was about the same age as me.  She was, in fact, a lot like me.  Well, you know, except for the fact that she was CRAZY.   

First, she just stood next to me spouting nonsense.  I was trying to figure out whether she was high or had Tourette's.  After a couple of minutes of hearing her yell, "Taco, taco gotta get a lock-o," I decided to walk away from her.  She followed me.  I moved again.  She followed me.  Then she started singing a repetitive song about limbo in a Jamaican accent.  It was at that point that I decided, maybe if I'm on the phone she will pick someone else to serenade.  I started calling friends, but no one answered (I guess I'm not as popular as I thought I was.).  She finally looked at me and asked me why I didn't like her song.  I told her it was nice, but she said that she could tell that I didn't like it.  I told her that I just wasn't into Calypso music.  She started threatening me under her breath.  The train finally came.

Exhibit B - I'm an Instigator:

My friends Gretchen and Richard came to visit a couple of weeks ago.  We went into the Downtown 49th Street stop, but needed to go Uptown so we had to stand at the Uptown stop and wait to use our cards again.  There was a man who jimmied open the handicap gate and was charging tourists two dollars to get through.  I told them that he was breaking the law and to use the Metro Card machine.  He told me to shut the f up. Then he started going off on me.  He called me a bitch.  He told me that people like me who open their mouths get hurt.  He told me that he was going to put his boys on me.  I stood there with my mouth shut.  I really wanted to fight back, but my friends looked pretty scared. 

I think I could have taken him.

Exhibit C - I'm the Self-Appointed Subway Monitor:

In my quest to make subway riding a better experience for the masses, I have encountered many foes.  However, not being liked by everyone is a small price to pay for the good of all mankind.  When I tell people to move into the car to let others in, I'm the voice of the people.  When I tell them to move their bags off of the seats, I'm the voice of the people.  When I tell them not to let their hands slide down the pole until they're touching mine, well, I'm not exactly the voice of the people, but it makes me feel better. 

Anyway, sometimes teaching people lessons in subway etiquette calls for a little violence on my part.  If I ask someone to move into the subway to make room for others and they don't, I find a way to stomp on their feet or whack them with my purse - all types of violence that can be construed as accidental.  The other morning I made a mistake.  I asked someone to move into the car and he didn't. I wasn't at an angle to "accidentally" stomp or whack him, so when he passed me on the way out of the train I blatantly pushed him in the back.  Normally, I whack/stomp and run, but this time the perpetrator got out at the same stop as me and I was stuck behind him for several minutes while we moved like cattle up the stairs.  He kept looking back at me like I was crazy.  And maybe I am.  Maybe that's the reason for Exhibit A.  And I'm okay with that.